Grieving a Loss-Celebrating a Life

My dad passed away this week, having lived a long and full life.  At the age of 87, to me, he was a strong, impressive character.  Although his death was sudden, for the last few years, when we were together, I said my goodbyes like it might be the last.  Not because he was in bad health, but because our days are numbered. One of six children, he was the fifth brother to pass away, survived by a sister.  Although three uncles and my grandmother lived into their nineties, dad’s days were getting short.

My dad was a man of great stature and presence, always wearing a big smile and using his clever wit to bring levity to every gathering.  There were times when our ribs would hurt from laughing so hard, especially if his brothers were around.  They were akin to the little rascals, seemingly never to have grown up.  He will be remembered for his humor and good will.

Faithful, Kind and Patient

In addition to his easy-going nature, words like faithful, kind, and patient come to mind when I think of my dad.  He was a faithful father.  Dad was always there for us-every holiday, every birthday, award ceremony, and graduations (to include his grandchildren).  I cannot remember a year when my dad did not call to take me out for a birthday breakfast.

He was also a gentleman, never pushing for his own way or imposing himself on others.  He was a man who refrained from disparaging others. He thought the best and hoped for the best, patiently waiting for a turn of events when a family member had strayed.  Not only did he not speak ill of others, he was uncomfortable when others did.

Two years ago, just before Father’s Day, I wrote about the “gift” my dad gave me, as a child of divorced parents.  By God’s grace I was able to read it to him on Father’s Day as we ate at Cracker Barrel, his favorite breakfast spot.  I wanted him to know how much I appreciated the “gift” and what a difference he made in my life.  I am thankful to the Lord that I had the chance to tell him how much I loved and appreciated him.  Although we didn’t often talk about God, my dad certainly modeled for me the love of a faithful father, helping me to understand the unfailing love of my Heavenly Father.  The following was written two years ago but in memory of my dad is worth repeating again and again.

The Gift My Father Gave Me

With Father’s Day approaching I have given thought to how I might honor my dad.  Reflecting on his unwavering commitment to being involved in my life and his resolve to remain friends with my mother after their divorce, has made me see what a gift this has been to me.  My parents were divorced when I was eight years old.  There were a few difficult years that followed but for the most part, I did not experience the emotional scars I observe in many children from broken homes.  I believe this is a result of the cordial relationship my parents maintained over the years for the sake of their children.  They put their differences aside for the family and never openly showed animosity toward the other.

My dad never spoke ill of my mother and never made my sisters and me feel that our love and devotion for our parents couldn’t be shared.  There was never a pitting of one against the other.  Dad attended all the milestone events in our lives, even after my mother remarried.  I’m sure it was uncomfortable initially, but he never let it show.

Holidays

I can’t remember a Christmas or a Thanksgiving when we were not all together, even after both parents remarried.  It just meant the gathering was a little bigger.  We never had to worry about having to go to two houses for the holidays, or stress about keeping our parents separated to avoid unpleasantness.  My parents have always been civil and kind to one another.

Weekends

When we were little, my dad faithfully picked my sisters and me up every weekend for our Sunday outing.  I have no memory of him ever calling to cancel or not showing up.  He always had something planned- a movie, bowling, miniature golf, or a long drive over the Sunshine Skyway to a place called Fun -n- Sun, where we would swim for hours.  We would frequent a local restaurant that served the best burger in town and has changed little in fifty years.

When we were with my dad, we didn’t sit in front of the television somewhere, or entertain ourselves while he was engaged in some other activity.  Our time with Dad meant we were doing something together.  It’s taken me a lifetime to appreciate that what was common for me, is not the experience of most children with divorced parents.  I never felt that Sunday was a chore for my dad; I never felt pulled in two directions; and I never felt abandoned or unloved.

The Gift

In truth, I would have loved to have grown up with an intact family, but God in His sovereignty had other plans.  Divorce is difficult for children.  There is no sugar coating that fact.  How parents behave after the divorce has serious implications on the future of their children.   If you are divorced parent, the best thing you can do for your children is to get along with each other.  Your children and grandchildren have a lifetime of recitals, school programs, graduations, weddings, and such, and they will want you both there, without concern for how you will relate to one another.

My dad will be 86 next year.  He faithfully calls to take me to breakfast for my birthday and comes for every holiday. This Father’s Day I want Dad to know that his presence, his constancy, his civility, and his love, has been a gift for which I am forever grateful.

Take time to think about the blessing your father has been in your life and if possible, let him know.  If you are a divorced parent, learn from my dad how to share this "gift" with your children.