Loving the Middle School Years
Parenting a middle schooler brings new challenges and new rewards in the parent-child relationship. These years are bursting with emotional and physical changes. At this stage of childhood your middle schooler is grappling with questions about themselves, relationships, the world, and God. The intensity and suddenness of this stage can easily put distance between you and your child. Understanding what your middle schooler needs from you now, can help you stay ahead of the game. With the right mind-set and tools, this stage can be rewarding and precious for both of you.
Middle schoolers need you.
A strong, positive parent-child relationship is extremely important while navigating the middle school years. This relationship requires an open line of communication, trust, and a warm, loving, and supportive connection.
Having open communication does not mean a permissive acceptance or belief that you must be their friend for them to talk with you about important issues. You are the parent. Setting boundaries and expectations coupled with love and encouragement, creates for children a sense of security that gives them a safe place to communicate. Even though at times they may resist you, they want you and they need you, to be the parent.
Support your middle schooler’s interests and healthy friendships. Give them the gift of your time and resources as you are able. A game night at your house once a month for the youth group or soccer team, is a great way to build relationships and stay connected with your middle schooler.
Middle schoolers need to know you are listening.
When conflicts arise or an important topic needs to be discussed, begin with a question and listen. Avoid accusatory statements and rhetorical questions like, “What were you thinking?” 
that can result in defensive and argumentative responses. Making unjust assumptions about your middle schooler’s motives or behavior can cause frustration and create barriers in communication.
Help your child to see the end of their decision, by leading them with questions.
As a middle school child struggles with self-identity, they look to everyone for acceptance. In this pursuit, peers become increasingly important. While they care what others think, they keep their own thoughts to themselves. Face to face conversation can be difficult. For this reason, they tend to be more open at bedtime, on a walk or in the car when they can share their feelings and avoid your facial reaction. Make the most of these times.
Have shorter more frequent conversations rather than long ones, which are perceived as a lecture. Do not make the conversation about you or use it to manipulate a desired response. Do more listening than talking. Give them your undivided attention. Put the phone and the to-do list aside. Be present. Be authentic.
Middle schoolers need your patience.
Middle schoolers (especially boys) are often impulsive. They do not think through the consequence of their actions. When we misinterpret this behavior as intended foolishness or defiance, we can overreact and respond harshly. Impulsive behavior, while the bane of adolescence, is not the same as defiance. It’s important to make a distinction between childish behavior and willful disobedience before you react so as not to crush the relationship.
Middle schoolers need to be respected.
Respect for your middle schoolers means listening and thoughtfully considering what they have to say. It means affirming their feelings and giving them a voice. Be quick to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19-20). Showing respect means avoiding sarcasm and constant rebuke. Long term criticism can lead to discouragement and even despair. Avoid correcting in public. Even speaking negatively about your child to others, can create a wedge between you. Discipline and correction should always be in private. This helps to build trust in the relationship, which your child needs, to be open and honest with you.
Middle schoolers need to be loved.
Above all things, your middle schooler needs to know you love them. Discover ways you can best express love to your child. They need to know you are for them and not against them. Not every child receives the message of love in the same way. For some it is words, for others it is your time and presence, and for still others it may be help and encouragement. The Five Love Languages of Teenagers by Gary Chapman may help you identify how to communicate love to your middle schooler. Saying “I love you”, without showing them in a way that is meaningful to them, can often be dismissed. Ask your middle schooler how they know you love them. Their answer will give you a better understanding of your relationship and how best to express your love for them. This is a crucial time in a child’s life. While they may seemingly push you away, they need you more than ever.