Purposeful Character Development
Character development is a key focus of parenting. Good character is not determined by socioeconomic status, academic success, or origin of birth. In fact, it transcends social constructs that might otherwise disadvantage a child. Though strong academics may accompany good character, character is the driving force and a better indicator of success than other factors in a child’s life. A harsh, arrogant medical students is not going to be favored among his colleagues. A trustworthy and skilled plumber on the other hand, will enjoy the fruit of both his character and labor. The diligent, hard working student will be recognized and rewarded by her teacher. The cheerful, reliable employee will be prompted over a whining, irresponsible worker.
Developing a child’s character fulfills God’s command to teach and train children, proclaiming His love and mercy to all generations (Proverbs 22:6). There are many ways to instill positive character and address negative traits. The following ideas will help in the purposeful pursuit of character development.
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Communicate a vocabulary for good character.
Explain to children what it means to be prudent, diligent, discerning, trustworthy, reliable, as well as kind, patient, loving, and compassionate. Developing a vocabulary for virtuous traits helps children identify and ponder their own thoughts and actions.
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Don’t dismiss bad behavior.
Don’t ignore negative behavior or sweep bad attitudes and disrespect under the rug. The pile will simply grow into a monster that is more difficult to handle later. Address negative behavior when it occurs, if possible (never in front of others). Get to the heart of the matter. This means recognizing that an underlying sin is being manifested in the behavior. Selfishness, jealousy, hate, fear of punishment, dishonesty, or laziness are common traits to consider. Once identified, discuss, forgive and pray together, asking for God’s help to respond in a way that honors Him when the temptation comes to react poorly. -
Identify the root or heart issue of negative behavior.
In most cases, negative behavior at its core is a sinful attitude. Helping to identify the heart issue or sin, helps the child to understand their behavior as a spiritual condition and rebellion against God. The common sin of pride and selfishness are the root of meanness, disrespect, and greed. Fear (lack of trust) can cause children to act out. Addressing the root of the fear can help your child learn to overcome and respond in a healthy, proper way.
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Recognize that positive traits can be misused.
Character is exhibited in both positive and negative ways. Discerning character and understanding how positive and negative traits function when a child is walking in the Spirit versus the flesh, is important in raising children with character. Help the child identify character that can be used in positive ways to honor God and care for others. When walking in the Spirit, traits will honor God and bless others. When operating in the flesh, traits are used primarily to benefit self. Stubbornness in the flesh is determination and resolve when used in a positive way. Parents can help a child to understanding how negative and positive traits relate. The Spirit is available 24/7 to help children develop Godly character.
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Use your own experience.
Children will learn from the example of others. Even in the moment, parents can talk through their own thought process or actions for behaving in a certain way. Be honest. Help children understand what pleases and what displeases God.
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Use both the good and bad examples of others (without naming names), highlighting wise choices.
Personal stories are relatable and make an impact. The babysitter who gets pregnant out of wedlock, a father of a classmate is arrested, or the pastor is asked to step down, are real life events that provide opportunity to thoughtfully and lovingly discuss sin and its consequences. Remember, God offers forgiveness and redemption.
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Learn from biographies, Bible characters, and the life of fictional characters.
Children can learn many lessons from the character of books, both fictional and non-fiction, both good and bad. However, parents need to ask thought provoking questions and discuss the consequences of the individual’s character on himself, others, the future, or community. Character has consequences. Talk about the outcome on history, the future, family, and others, based on their decision to act virtuously.
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Learn from books with moral lessons.
Much can be learned from good literature. “Example always speaks louder than precept, and books can do more to inspire honor and tenacity of purpose than all the childing and exhortation in the world” (Hunt, 2002, p. 53). There are many children’s books or stories that specifically teach moral lessons and help to build character. The Lamplighter book series offers a variety of “character-building content that brings you and your family closer to God…[and] are committed to inspiring others through the art of storytelling.”
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Read and discuss Proverbs.
The book of Proverbs is full of comparisons between good and evil, the wise and foolish, as well as antidotes for ungodly living. Reading and considering the wisdom of this book is a lifelong pursuit and one the family can engage in together.
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Affirm positive traits.
Children, like adults, need affirmation. God expresses pleasure in His children and blesses those who honor Him. Children need the same kind of encouragement from parents and teachers. Acknowledge good character in them and others, while reminding them of God’s character. It is not praise from man that we seek, but a desire to honor and obey God.
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Discuss Galatians 5-the fruit of the Spirit and the desires of the flesh.
The flesh and Spirit are at war within the believer. This constant battle is a fight for personal gratification and fulfilled desires versus a desire to please our Lord and Savior. Romans 7 and Romans 8 gives great hope for the battle. If God is for us, who can be against us? Though the fight for self-rule is constant, the Spirit of God is ever present in the believer. Reading Galatians 5 together will provide rich conversation about traits that please God and are possible to possess through His Spirit. -
Model good character.
Parents have been given the responsibility of training their children to honor and obey God. Teachers share this responsibility by way of influence in the time they spend with children and the platform they have for teaching. This means that both must model character worth emulating. “Fudging” on the age of your child for a free meal models dishonesty. Taking a meal to a sick neighbor models love and compassion. Arguing with a police officer or teacher models disrespect for authority. Subtle, everyday encounters model character. Acknowledging a mistake models humility!
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Foster positive relationships that encourage positive character.
Good examples will have a positive effect on character while the reverse is true of bad company. Children pick up bad habits, attitudes, and behaviors from others. Lying, stealing, inappropriate use of electronic devices, language, and other vices are often learned from peers or siblings who learned from peers. It’s okay to limit exposure and time spent with children who are bad influences. This doesn’t mean not to show them love, pray for them or reach out in other ways, but don’t sacrifice your children in the name of ministry.
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Limit social media.
Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook and any other “social” platform coming down the pike are not monitored sites seeking to edify users. Quite the contrary. These messaging apps and social networking sites are used as much or more for spewing hate, glorifying self, marketing, demeaning others, and ranting on various topics, than for connecting with people. This is not a useful resource for character development. -
Monitor books and media choices.
Although books, movies, and other forms of media can offer meaningful options for character building, selecting takes discernment and purposeful decision making. Movies provide excellent examples of bravery, honor, integrity, and valor. They can showcase resilience, industry, loyalty, and love. The Whipping Boy (friendship and forgiveness), Captain Courageous (1996), (humility, hard work, courage, and sacrifice), The Black Stallion (1978), (friendship, resolve) are examples of movies that afford great family discussion. These may not be appropriate for children under ten as there are some intense scenes with loss of life and hardships.
Conversely, children’s movies commonly encourage disrespect for parents (especially fathers), rebellion against authority, meanness toward others, surly attitudes, course jesting, violence, and inappropriate language. While a Disney movie may be suitable for a one time viewing, repeated viewing resulting in memorization or mimicking of bad attitudes or disrespect for others, is not beneficial. For movies, check Screenit or Crosswalk for reviews and plot summary. Honey for a Child’s Heart ̶̶ organized by age and genre, Read for the Heart ̶ organized by authors, and The Book Tree ̶ organized by age group and genre, are all excellent books for finding good literature, which with discussion, helps build character.
Developing character in children is paramount in the mind and heart of a parent. Good character reflects the goodness of God, honors Him, and benefits His Kingdom as individuals living in social institutions — family, school, church, neighborhoods, and business. Discerning the character of your child and implementing purposeful practices are tools for developing Godly character.
Virtuous character does not save us. We are saved by faith in Christ. Good character is the result of a life lived in the Spirit, a life that has been transformed by the living God. This does not negate the need for parents and teachers to “train up a child in the way he should go” (Proverbs 22:6), or fulfill Deuteronomy 6, to impress on the hearts of children “to love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.” Pray that your child would have wisdom and understanding for the things of God as you seek to raise children with character.
Reference
Hunt, G. (2002). Honey for a Child’s Heart. Zondervan: Grand Rapids, MI.